January 22, 2013 in Humour
Gamers were dismayed today to learn that EA did a thing that showed little respect for those who keep them afloat with their continued generous charitable purchases. “It’s not fair for them to treat us like this”, said one customer who has been consistently buying the same rehashed (if slightly updated) game from them every year in what can only be described as charity.
“We just don’t give a shit any more”, said an EA spokesperson, “People will complain no matter what we do, so now we just do whatever we want. Fortunately for us, people are still dumb enough to give us their money”. And they showed us yet again how much they believe this, by finding a new and devious way to milk the consumer for more money.
And they do need more money.
This year they will be investing millions into new technologies to change the numbers on their box-art to reflect the new releases of the previous year’s titles. They have also made great strides into combating piracy. First up, the latest PC release of Hacky Sack Hero; Hacky Sack Hero 2013, will come with a mandatory hacky sack USB dongle. And they predict a 0% piracy rate on the PS3, by not actually even releasing the game for PS3.
“It’s not just for ourselves that we need to make this much money”, said our source, “we serve a greater master that lives deep beneath the ocean and will one day rise up to destroy everything”. The EA rep notes that their dark lord’s chosen disciple is none other that CEO John Riccitiello, which is an anagram for ‘Inject Chilli Roo’, “although I am not sure what that means, but we must keep feeding him. He’s just not happy feeding off the souls of terrified kittens any more”.
Truth is, EA can’t really justify their behaviour with any of this since there’s no proof of the existence of their dark lord, although we have our suspicions about Riccitiello. Nor have they been able to prove that this “piracy” problem is not just something they made up over a long lunch break.
What other money-milking plans do they have for the immediate future? “Well, we just spread some bad rumours involving pubic lice about Capcom, which caused our stock value to rise by 2.8%. Our permanently employed financial rumourologist did a stellar job on that one.”
The company has also recently been granted patents on the letters X, O and D on control pad buttons, and will be litigating soon. They also filed for patents on the letters Y, M, C and A – but those got rejected. Some believe this is part of an aggressive strategy to enter the console market with an Origin console. There will be 7 games available for it.
“I don’t really mind”, said EA fan Josh Riccabello, “I have bought every EA title since like ever and plan to continue supporting them. I’m happy to help, even at times when I can’t play any EA games because I have been booted off the system for breaking a rule in their absurdly complicated EULA. I’m a bad person for breaking the rules, and I must be punished. Punish me EA, punish me some more.”